Not That I'm Bitter

Ah, Key Bank. I wonder how much of my money they stole from me over my four years of college. Let's see. $3.50 a month for the privilege of letting them keep my money, plus $20 from that time they totally screwed me (more on that in a second)...I believe that comes to $188. Almost $200? For a college student's checking account?

Unless you went to school with me, you're probably wondering why I chose this particular institution to handle my money, given its high cost of use. You see, my freshman year of college, Key Bank had a campus ATM monopoly. And like most people who lived on campus, I didn't have a car, which meant I was pretty much restricted to services available within walking distance. So I chose Key Bank to avoid constant ATM fees, as did probably half of everyone on campus. Little did we know what kind of treatment to which we could look forward.

First, the cheapest accounts available were the "You Can't Actually Come to the Bank" accounts. We were expected to conduct all our business online or by ATM. If we wanted to see a teller at an actual physical bank, that would cost us an extra fee (nevermind that we were already paying over $40 a year to let them keep our money). So in the four years I was a Key Bank customer, I never saw the inside of an actual Key Bank. Which is probably just as well, since I'm not sure what effect coming into contact with Pure Concentrated Evil has on human beings. I'm betting it causes cancer.

Anyway, in addition to slowly sucking my money away via their monthly fee, Key Bank also had stunning customer service. Sometime during my freshman year, between physics exams and calculus homework, I noticed that I hadn't receieved a bank statement in awhile. It wasn't a big deal, since I could just check out my balance on the internet. But I called Key Bank's number anyway to see what was up.

According to them, one of my statements had been returned to them in the mail, and they had stopped sending me statements after that. I was baffled, but figured just about anything was possible since I was living in the dorms and my mail went through the Res Life office before it got to me. So I asked them to send me the statements they hadn't, and to go back to sending me statements on a regular basis. I hung up the phone thinking that would be the end of that story.

Naturally, I was wrong. I got my statements in the mail, along with quite a surprise. They had charged me a $20 "returned statement fee" along with a $15 fee for each statement they had failed to send me originally but had sent me now. I had been missing statements for quite a few months, so this came to a shockingly large total, one that made my monthly fee start to look reasonable. Needless to say, I was on the phone again rather quickly.

After about an hour trying to explain the situation to a clueless Key Bank employee, I got transferred to a manager, who I had to explain everything to all over again. If memory serves, I was then transferred to my local branch representative, who transferred me back to the number I had called in the first place. Fear of being charged money that I really didn't have made me persistent, and eventually I got the charges for the missed statements removed. The $20 returned statement fee stayed.

What is it, exactly, about having something come back to you in the mail that costs $20? Does the mailman beat you up and then you need $20 for gauze and ice for your bloody nose? Does an employee who makes $5 per second take four seconds to throw it in the trash? I suspect the only real cost associated with the returned statement is the time it takes an employee to open up my file and make a note that I owe them twenty fucking dollars.

What really bothered me is that there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent the statement from getting returned (if it in fact was...I have no way of knowing). It's not like they came to my door and said, hey, do you want this? They managed to get all the statements before that and after that to me okay. I didn't move in that time, didn't call them to change my address. Nothing changed. They probably delivered hundreds of other Key Bank statements to that same campus mail depot that same day. But apparently mine didn't make it, and for this I owed them $20.

So I will never, ever, ever deal with Key Bank again in any way. I know my experience with them isn't an isolated incident...every time I mentioned my Key Bank story I got horror stories from my friends in response. It seems they screwed just about everyone on our campus at one time or another. Although looking at their website now, it seems they now offer free checking to students. A little late, from my point of view. Maybe having customers leave in droves clued them in to the fact that they completely suck. Not that I'm bitter.

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last updated 2 years ago #