Not That I'm Bitter

To conclude our three-part series on "The Sins of the Internet," we're going to talk about the scourge of email, the mark of depravity, the annoyance of millions: spam.

I think we can all agree that people responsible for sending spam are going to hell, assuming it exists. (Perhaps we should pool our funds and create one just for the purpose of putting these people in it?) But we often overlook the people who are equally guilty: anyone stupid enough to open spam, or worse, actually spend money because of it.

Who are these people? What the fuck is wrong with them? I read an article in the Wall Street Journal several months ago that attempted to answer this question. It turns out that--and I was deeply shocked by this, the way that old people are shocked to see breasts on television-- some people like spam. In fact, the man they interviewed for this article loved it. He eagerly awaited his daily dose of spam, and sent complaints to spammers when he didn't get enough. It was an obsession for him, and his wife admitted that they'd wasted a huge amount of money on stuff they didn't need, a lot of which her spam-loving husband was now trying to sell on E-bay (one of the many get-rich-quick schemes spammers had generously let him in on). He basically sounded like an addict. I'd be willing to bet that within five years, we're going to hear about diagnoses of brand new Internet-related afflictions, and that enjoying spam will soon become a bona fide sign of mental illness. Any takers?

Of course, not every idiot who falls for spam is ignoring their OCD. Although you may not personally know anyone who fits this description, it's not too hard to imagine a man who wants to enlarge his penis, improve his sex life, find love, lose weight, get rich quick, improve his credit rating, consolidate his debt, and refinance his mortgage at low, low rates. As long as consumerism teaches us that products are what we need to patch up our self-esteem and improve our lives, there will always be guys with small dicks and smaller brains willing to keep the spammers in business.

Which just adds to the list of terrible things for which spammers are responsible. Not only do they annoy millions of people, clog up email systems, slow down the internet, and invade privacy, they also feed on the insecurities of the masses and contribute to the continued exploitation of people who can't really afford to spend money but do anyway because they're convinced that they need to. Basically, they're the scum on the bottom of society's rather disgusting shoe (assume here that society hasn't changed its shoes in awhile and routinely steps in dog shit).

I think spammers should be forced to consume the products they advertise. I wonder how many spams we would see if every time a spammer sent out an email, he was forced to undergo penis enlargement surgery? Paid for by all the money he got by helping out those Nigerians who needed to transfer money to the US. And after the surgery, he probably wouldn't be able to use his dick for a while, so he'd want to sign up with a Christian dating service. (It's funny how much spam I get for "Christian" dating services. It makes you wonder: Who would Jesus spam?)

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